How to cope when your life changes unexpectedly

Despite any plans we’ve made for the day or routines we’ve developed over time, life has a way of throwing us a curve ball. Perhaps it’s unexpected traffic, a sudden change in weather, or a canceled appointment. Unfortunately, sometimes changes can be sudden, dramatic, and painful: a spouse announcing their desire to divorce, getting denied a bank loan, or the death of a loved one. Life changes such as these can be soul crushing and life-altering.

Consider Mattie, an employee at a non-profit agency. To her this morning, it seems like it would be a normal day. She wakes up, has her coffee, and drives to work where she is immediately approached by her boss. He wants to see her in his office at 9am, he says. Mattie looks at the clock—it’s 8:35. Sitting at her desk, her heart begins to race. She texts a friend about her anxiety—why is she being called in? Meanwhile, she can’t get any work done while she waits. At 9am, he invites her in and explains that some unexpected budget cuts will impact funding for her department. He then expresses his gratitude for her work for the past seven years, however now she can only stay on for another two weeks. Mattie returns to her desk in shock. A myriad of thoughts run through her mind: where to apply for a new job, how she will pay the rent, how her clients will transition after she is gone….She goes home and begins to sink into depression.

If you find yourself in similar situation, where a sudden life change seems to spin your life out of control, there are some things you can do to cope:

1. Connect with people that support you and avoid those who discourage you When you are going through a life change, don’t waste time feeling guilty or listening to unsupportive people. Reach out to those who listen well and nonjudgmental and will be able to think on their feet when supporting you.

2. Make a blueprint of your desires and direction Don’t act impulsively. For instance, before jumping into applying for a bunch of new jobs after being laid off, grab a large piece of paper and brainstorm an inventory of all possible choices, and then ask yourself what would you really love to do next. Instead of focusing on what you’ve lost, envision the possibilities ahead.

3. Continue nourishing yourself Every day think of something you can do for your self-care. At this time, it will be particularly important to breathe deeply, drinks lot of water, eat healthy and have a good sleep hygiene. If the body is not well, the mind and soul will suffer, too.

4. Accept the place you are in Oftentimes, it is important to accept where you are before you are able to move forward. Try to focus on the here and now with some grounding activities: go sit in the park, look at the trees, and take some deeps breaths. Having had a sudden unfortunate life change, process the things that you are grateful for and ask yourself what this experience has taught you.

5. Journal your feelings One powerful way to process your feelings about a change is journaling. There are many different methods: one example would be the free-flowing journal in which you talk about anything that comes to mind regarding the change. Another type of journal could focus on one specific aspect of the change, zooming in on a particular feeling. And remember, when journaling, don’t hold back—put it all out there! Unwritten feelings are unprocessed feelings.

6. Stop negative self-talk Sometimes when tough changes occur people start blaming themselves and wonder what they have done wrong. It is important to be aware when this negative-self talk is happening, shut it down, and practice self-compassion instead. One approach I use in my practice is cognitive behavioral therapy, which works on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.

7. Make space in your day for productivity Depression can be very demotivating. When it feels like life is not moving forward it is important to continue being productive. Start the day by setting just three attainable goals, and then tackle the hardest one first. Then, at the end of the day, no matter how you may feel, at least you can point back to some accomplishments.

8. The change will change too As Socrates taught, “no human condition is ever permanent.” In the words, remember that this too shall pass. It is good to remember that as you are processing the change, time has a way of healing things, and new opportunities will arise. You may very well find that even a painful change can lead to self-growth. There is no evil from which good cannot come.

9. Don’t compare yourself to others Often times after a devastating change, we start comparing our misery with the blessings of those around us. For example, if you just went through a divorce you might start thinking about a friend who is in a great marriage, leaving you wondering why this happened to you. Doing this would only make you feel worse and you might even start alienating yourself from that more successful friend. This would be a waste of time and energy which could be better spent taking new steps toward growth.

10. Seek therapy When life changes it can be a good time to attend therapy and connect with someone fully present and non-judgmental. All the points above could be worked on and discussed during individual therapy. The therapist can help create a toolbox of coping skills and and walk with you as you process the change, cope with it, and adapt.